Authentic Animal Conversation #8: “Corn Kingdom”
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Category Archives: Authentic Animal Conversations
Authentic Animal Conversation #7: “Walnut Hose”
Authentic Animal Conversation #6: “Dibs”
“I can’t believe he’s actually doing it.”
“RICKY, GO FOR THE FLOWERS! THE FLOWERS!”
“Shut up! They’re going to hear us!”
“Just stay in the grass and be quiet, you morons.”
“I can’t see. What’s he doing? Did he make it to the table?
“This is insane. I told you not to dare him. This is stupid, stupid, stupid.”
“He’s a grown squirrel and can make his own decisions.”
“I THINK THE CAKE IS FULL OF NUTS! DIG A HOLE IN IT, RICKY!”
“Oh for crying out loud, do you want to get him killed?”
“If Ricky doesn’t make it back, I call dibs on his nest.”
“Dibs!”
“Dibs! Dibs!”
“You guys suck, you know that?”
Authentic Animal Conversation #5: “A Cat of Action”
“This seems like a really bad idea.”
“I’m not listening. Look at my face. This is my ‘I’m not listening’ face.”
“I’m serious, Steve. I have a really bad feeling about this.”
“You’d rather be sitting in the snow? I swear, all you do is complain and–”
“But Steve, I just mean–”
“‘Boohoo, my paws are frozen! I can’t feel my toes! Steve, help me I’m so cold!’ Your exact words just 10 freaking minutes ago, Ralph. Am I right?”
“I know, but–”
“And I dealt with the situation, didn’t I? I found a solution, right? I took action.”
“I know you did, Steve. It’s just–”
“I am a cat of action. What have you done today besides complaining? Anything, Ralph?”
“OK. It’s just, well… You realize we’re sitting on a dog, right?”
“It’s called a ‘calculated risk.’ Look it up.”
“Like that time you decided we should try sitting on the sleeping wolverine last winter? Was that a ‘calculated risk?’ Because I still have calculated bite marks on my you-know-where from that swell idea.”
“If you don’t shut up, I’m going to give you a calculated slap in the face.”
“Fine.”
Authentic Animal Conversation #4: “Starbro”
“Fred, where the hell is the ocean?”
“I have no idea.”
“And what are we sitting on? This is definitely NOT the beach.”
“Just calm-“
“Dude, I’m freaking out!”
“Steve, calm down. We’ll get through this.”
“Can you hold my hand?”
“You got it, starbro.”
Authentic Animal Conversation #3: “Biscuit”
“This is nice.”
“Yeah.”
“Is that a biscuit on the floor over there?”
“Stop looking at it. You’re not going anywhere. I need your body heat right here, right now.”
“I swear it’s a biscuit.”
“It’s an inedible chewed rubber bone that you nevertheless tried to eat yesterday. Focus on being in the blanket.”
“I don’t remember…”
“Focus. On. The. Blanket.”
“Ok, ok…”
Authentic Animal Conversation #2: “Fascinating”
“It’s fascinating, really.”
“I’m half asleep. You’ll have to be more specific.”
“The fact that we are the same species. I mean, look at our size difference!”
“What?”
“You’re 10 times my size! You’re gargantuan! Yet we are both Canis lupus familiaris. How is such disparity within the same species possible?”
“You think too much. Let’s snuggle some more. My butt is still cold.”
“I wonder if there’s a Wikipedia article about this…”
Introducing Authentic Animal Conversations
I’ve been getting into creative writing lately.
When I was in high school, I used to write a lot. Mostly short stories. I really enjoyed it, and apparently I was pretty good at it too. As a junior in high school I won a Brown University Book Award for my “academic excellence combined with clarity in written and spoken expression.”
I’ve always remembered that nice formal affirmation. Despite the fact that I never ended up going to Brown. And that I spent most of my academic focus in high school playing D&D.
But such an affirmation doesn’t mean anything if you don’t actually continue to write. Continue reading
Be Cunning and Full of Tricks 